Originally Posted by
Tyde
I realize there are a handful of posters here who will seize this opportunity to take shots at me, but that's ok. Maybe I deserve it anyway. But I'm going to write this post and just let it rip for better or worse. Partly because I'm in the mood to write for a change, but primarily because I want to see if others are experiencing similar feelings in one form or the other.
For the bulk of my adult life, and even teenage years for that matter...I've suffered from chronic depression and various forms of clinical anxiety.
I suppose it started when my parents divorced when I was only 7 years old, being raised by a single mother with no real father figure in my life. To this day, I harbor a deep seeded resentment towards my father for divorcing my mom and leaving my sister and I at such a young age. Not to suggest that I hold him personally responsible for whatever character flaws or mental instabilities I may possess, but speaking from an objective standpoint, I think it's fair to assign a lot of the blame squarely upon his shoulders. By leaving my sister and I at such a young age in our impressionable years, it had a profround impact on both of us, not to mention saddling my mother with the burden of raising both of us on her own. I think its an indisputable fact that children raised by both parents in a supportive environment have a much greater likelihood to go on to lead productive and fulfilling lives.
Its tempting to elaborate in further detail about my childhood, but I'll just fast forward and state that in my opinion, not having a father figure in my youth was a big factor in the way I ultimately decided to live my life, and shaped the framework for various facets of my core belief system.
I'll be the first one to admit that I do have anger issues. I tend to lash out excessively with venom, and have a dark side that can be downright vicious. Its a side of me that I can't deny exists, and probably always will. Not to suggest I embrace it on any level, its just who I am. Maybe my father leaving my sister and I at a young age was instrumental in that, maybe not. I really can't be certain either way. It is what it is
Combining the aforementioned with fairly developed writing abilities and a reasonably expanded vocabulary has proven time and time again to be to say the least, problematic.
Ive always had a tendency to just let it rip, never mincing words, without regard for consequence, or how my tirades will affect the intended recipient.
I suppose that in a strange way, it's a good thing that I have an ingrained, deep seeded sense of brutal honesty, but the reality is that in countless instances, I've said and written things during the course of my life that inflicted intense pain and grief to people close to me. Words that can never be taken back, only retracted and apologized for with regret.
I suppose that this post is inspired out of a need to vent, but more because of the fact that over the years, the dark side of me that lashes out with brutal hostilty and venom, has fractured relationships with some of my relatives and a handful of close friends.
This inherent ability I have to use words as a weapon cut like a sharp edged sword, and have inflicted irreparable damage on far too many individuals close to my heart, which can never be retracted, only mended with an apology, that in some cases have been rejected because the severity of a particular verbal assault far surpassed the targets willingness or ability to forgive. This I accept unconditionally.
With all that said, at this stage in my life, I've come to realize that hurtful and venomous things I've said to people important to me, have come back to haunt me personally and quietly been manifested in the form of severe depression and a deep seeded sense of regret that have affected my sense of self respect and well being.
Not to suggest that I'm consumed by a self loathing complex by any means, actually quite the contrary. I like myself and take pride in the fact that despite my admitted dark and occasionally predatorial and merciless tendencies, I'm equally as giving, affable, and good hearted with the ability to make those around me laugh. Although I'm cautious letting others get close to me, I think objectively speaking, that deep down I have a good heart and genuinely care about and wish nothing but the best for people that I cross paths in life with.
Nevertheless, I still carry a heavy burden on my shoulders that I can't seem to unload, created by the immeasurable damage and pain I've inflicted in the form of viscous, even savage verbal assaults that I'll almost certainly never be forgiven for. Words that I can never retract or justify under any circumstances. The damage has been done, and left me with a weighted and unshakable sense of guilt and regret that I can't seem to shake away, or distance myself from no matter how hard I try
I realize that many people in this world possess the ability to walk away from relationships without ever looking back, and even distance themselves from family under various circumstances, but for me personally, that's simply not possible.
I may or may not regret posting this here, but I needed to vent for my own sake. I'm guessing a few of you might have experienced similar scenarios, and if that's the case, by all means feel free to reply.
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